fear is not an option

As the first half of 2017 comes to a close,  (it's almost July, y'all!) I'm trying to take some time to reflect on this year. For those who know me, you know it's been tough. It started with my sweet boyfriend, R, having stomach problems which became a mass in his pancreas which became him being the youngest person to ever have a Whipple surgery* which became my boyfriend is the youngest person the Mayo Clinic knows with a pancreatic tumor.

*which resulted in 33 days in the hospital, multiple trips to the OR and several points when the doctors told us, "We just gotta pray.". Sometimes, faith goes further than medicine.

I'm not in the medical field. I'm not in the best shape or a health freak. But this year, 2017, has pushed and pulled me more than any year ever has.

We're now finishing month two of RG's chemotherapy treatments. Two weeks of pills and infusions, one week off. It's not easy. But he is strong and God is stronger and he has been there for us every step of the way. 

Through it all, we're having fun. We're loving every day together. We're enjoying life. We know how incredible life is. When he was in the hospital in February. RG promised to take me to see Beauty & the Beast in theaters. I'm a big fan. Several days after he left the hospital, we were at the theater, then went to my favorite Japanese restaurant and picked up some groceries at Kroger afterwards. It was one of the most special nights.

I'm facing the future with the mindset that the worst is behind us. Fear of the future is paralyzing and RG gives me nothing but hope. Fear is not an option. RG is finishing his MBA in August, and we have a lot of life that we're planning to live... in a big way.

I want to write. I want to be proud. I want to process my thoughts in a way that organizes them in my brain and makes them beautiful on paper. This is not a beautiful topic. It's messy, but I have to share because it's all love. Love is messy. Life is messy - but it's the best choice we have. 

Clare's Podcasts Part I

This Summer, I started using that cute little purple app on my phone. Since then, I've laughed, cried, and learned a TON from Podcasts. My 45-minute commute to work is so much better. I have a pretty eclectic mix of Podcasts that I'm currently subscribed to, but here's my list of recommendations:

NOTES:

• Some of these podcasts have been going for years. Don't go back to the beginning and try to listen to them all. Scroll through the feed, download the episodes of interest and start where you are. For newer podcasts with maybe 10 or less episodes, try to listen to them all. 
• I started using the "Add to Up Next" feature recently and it has made the experience even better. All of my podcasts are in a playlist of sorts. I alternate between a funny one, serious, inspirational, and listen to several short episodes in a row. You can always move the order around but I typically have about 10 episodes in my Up Next queue. 

CURRENTLY SUBSCRIBED:

1. Up and Vanished
• My friend Lauren recommended this one several weeks ago and Up & Vanished has shot up the Top Charts on iTunes since. She'd grown up with the disappearance of Tara Grinstead as a Tifton, GA native. Now, there's new light being shed on the relatively cold case from Atlanta documentarian, Payne Lindsey. Between a mysterious fire several days after her disappearance to the local police reactions, this is a podcast to binge-listen. 
2. Placemakers
1. "Stories about the places we inhabit, and the people who make them". Slate Magazine, with help from JP Morgan Chase, has traveled throughout the country to spotlight inspiring stories of people who are making a real difference in their community. I enjoyed the episode about the development and renewal of East Lake, just east of Atlanta from one of the city's worst housing projects, to the revitalization from the East Lake Golf Course. An episode in Minneapolis focused on housing in aging LGBT communities. Listen to all these episodes, even the sponsored episode about Detroit. There's a lot of good people out there. Listen to them all. You'll be inspired. 
3. Katie Couric
• Katie Couric & Today Show were a part of my mornings for basically my whole childhood, so I love getting to connect with this smart, charming woman in a podcast. She hosts the show with a friend and former assistant, Brian. Their guests range from Julia Dreyfus to Thomas Friedman to Bob Costas. I really enjoy their conversations about society and politics. With less than 10 episodes total, go ahead and listen to the whole thing. 
4. This Nashville Life
• Country singer Kelleigh Bannen discusses her personal anecdotes and experiences while interviewing industry connections to discuss a different facet of life in the Music City. There's just 6 episodes, so if you're into country, Nashville or the hustle, listen to them all. 
5. Embedded
• Yet another fantastic NPR podcast where the hosts "go deep" on a subject. The episode titled "The League" about the NBA Development League is particularly interesting to me, but I've liked all the episodes. Currently on hiatus with more episodes coming soon. 
6. Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert
• Magic Lessons has broken my heart and glued it back together over and over. Eat Pray Love and Big Magic author, Elizabeth Gilbert, uses her infinite wisdom with assistance from her friends to guide people who are stuck in their creative lives. She gives them advice and follows up after a few months. Their conversations are spectacular and the people are spectacular. Enjoy this piece of heaven. 
7. Grace n Guts - Motivation & Encouragement
• My former roommate Marci started this podcast several months ago! With several short episodes and a great in-depth episode with a career coach, Grace n Guts speaks to a lot of the themes in my life right now. I'm so proud of her! 
8. Revisionist History
• I listened to Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink on audiobook several years ago, and I loved the way he spoke his book. It felt like a radio show more than simply reading. With Revisionist History, Malcolm Gladwell journeys back in time and explains why the way we think it happened, may not be the way it actually happened. My favorite is episode is about Leonard Cohen / Jeff Buckley / Rufus Wainwright's heartbreakingly beautiful song Hallelujah. Let's just say, the world's lucky to have that song. Gladwell's in between seasons right now, but their episodes from Season 1 make me excited for what lies ahead. 

Alright, this was too much and I still have 12+ podcasts to talk about so this is all for Part 1. Part 2 coming soon. 

Comment with your favorite podcasts! 

The Fear of Enough

Just about two years ago, I started learning Calligraphy from Anne Elser in a class at work. I've always loved words. I've always loved art and design, but I never thought of myself as an artist.

Full disclosure, my very first email address was creativeclare@aol.com. I was slightly embarrassed by that for years, but a look at the Instagram usernames of creativeclare pulls dozens of results. I should've stuck with my guns and started by brand as a 12-year-old. I find it very interesting that the parts of ourselves we most enjoy are the parts that have been there all along. 

Anne's class (and my constant exposure to fabulous artists who don't consider themselves artists) flipped this script on me. Writing with a pot of ink and a dip pen became meditative and soothing. I wrote words and sentences and names that made me feel joy in a way that looked pretty, too.

Still, it's something I've enjoyed for myself. I haven't been ready to share a lot of my work because I don't think it's good enough. But you know what? Other people think it's wonderful. They're blown away at the simple strokes and compound lines. I see uneven spaces, a shake in my hand during the upstroke.

Why do we become our own worst critics? Why do we let our insecurities about not being the best keep us from showing the world what we can do? Why can't we just embrace that we are enough?

A long-time friend is getting married in November and I'm addressing 81 envelopes for her big day. It's a honor I'm not taking lightly and I want her to be happy with the results. But even more, I want to be happy with the results. I worked maticulously on each one, spending about 10 minutes on each envelope. Around envelope 15, I realized I couldn't make every. single. envelope. perfect. I would be able to look back and critique each one and I had to let it go. But for the wedding guest, that card will bring a smile and maybe a bit of joy.

Time's going by too fast to risk holding back our talents for fear, certainly for fear of it not being good enough. 

Whole30: Oh boy. What have I done?

Ugh. I feel pretty miserable as I type this. Not because I'm doing anything wrong, but because I'm trying to do something right and my body does. not. like. it.

I've never been good about disciplining myself with food. It's always been a reward for me. 

This Summer, let's just say I've rewarded myself in abundance. Between a cruise to the Bahamas, two trips to the Atlantic Coast and a trip to Detroit, I ate all the things. 

Between two doctors visits in May & July, I'd gained eight pounds. WHAT. 

So on August 1st, I began my first Whole30. No sugar, no grains, no dairy. No alcohol. Lots of no's to the things I love but I don't think love me back. 

Today is Day 5. I just feel yuck. Not getting much done at work, feeling antsy when I'm home reading a book. Definitely not enjoying walking past the bowl of candy at work. Definitely not enjoying the smell of pizza. 

From my little bit of research, here's what's happening: For a majority of the last 15 years, my body has run on sugar. My brain likes it when my body runs on sugar. Now, there's no sugar. My body think's there's no fuel. However, there is fat. Fat in the avocados, chicken, beef and plenty of protein to go around. I just have to wait for my body to realize that the fat is good and it's there to be used. 

In the meantime, I've made a lot of good meals. Last night was Carnitas with Guacamole and Cauliflower Rice. I'm enjoying Living Loving Paleo and the Whole30 emails. The first trip to the grocery store was overwhelming and over budget, but hey, think of all the money I'll save on restaurants this month. 

Luckily, Boyfriend is working the Whole30 with me. It definitely helps to have some accountability and support, especially from him. They say everything is easier after Day 10, but I know it will be a challenge every day of August. 

Here's to the next 25 days! 

ok let's try this again

I took a year off, but I'm back. I need to get my voice back.

I'm 25 now. I'm getting smarter. I think. I'm working this delicate balance of standing firm in my shoes and allowing myself to dance and move freely in the midst of things that come my way.

Keegan-Michael Key just blew me away in his interview on "Off Camera with Sam Jones". His passion and storytelling turned an hour interview into a heartfelt outpouring of emotion. I had to keep rewinding after he finished the following statement:

"I'm a big proponent of here's a sentence and theres a piece of punctuation. When we read a script or read a book, there's a millimeter of space between that piece of punctuation and the capital letter in the next sentence. That millimeter to me, might as well be a hundred mile chasm because in that millimeter between that punctuation and that capital letter, you can do anything."

I just want to write.

Six Years

It’s been six years since we lost my big sister. How the time flies. In those six years,  I went to college, I graduated. I grew closer to my family. I found an awesome guy who is there for the good and bad days. I started my life in the aftermath of her death. How do you handle that? 

The more time that goes by, the more I see incredible blessings weaved through it all. It pushed friends away. It brought the best people, the people I needed and still need. I’m immeasurably blessed those people who helped me through Whitney’s death. I miss that 18-year-old girl’s innocence but I’m really proud of this 24-year-old woman. I know Whitney is, too.

Copperplate Calligraphy

I just finished an amazing 6-week Copperplate calligraphy class with Anne Elser at the Spruill Center. I've always been interested in typography and letters. I love words, and calligraphy turns words into art. It's a beautiful combination.  

It's harder than it looks, but with an amazing instructor like Anne, I think I'm on my way to drawing letters in an impressive way.

In this post-grad world, it's important to stay inspired and to keep learning! How easy it is to stop learning. 

welcome to the cottage...

i t ' s   t i m e   f o r   a   n e w   b e g i n n i n g . 

Italy, I just can't quit you.

GET OVER IT.

Sometimes, that's what I imagine people mentally think when I start a sentence with "When I lived in Rome..." or "One time in Italy...". So, I try to be aware. I try to listen more than I talk and think with a smile on my face without ever moving my mouth.

I'm struggling a little bit. My job is great, but I'm a get-up-and-go girl. I love my sense of adventure, but I look around and I don't see much. I'm sitting at a desk for 8-hours a day with the same nighttime routine prettyyy much every night.

So, when I come across an article like "39 Reasons Studying Abroad in Italy Ruins Your Life", I'm intrigued. The title is way too dramatic because Studying Abroad in Italy makes your life. It doesn't ruin it. What is ruined are the preconceived notions you may have had about your future, the path to take. Maybe money stops being so important. Maybe you learn to love the simple pleasures of life, like a good cappuccino instead of obsessing over television. Or maybe, like me, you become more conscious about where your food comes from, choosing a farmer's market over a traditional big box store.

At any rate, each one of those photos associated with the 39 Reasons made my heart flutter, especially "#36: The Way Roma Glows At Night". As beautiful as Rome is during the day, it came alive at night. The music, the loud conversations and the Orange Glow started off as the unknown and became a treasure during my 110-day visit.

Leave it to BuzzFeed for yet another incredibly relatable list. It's as if they hopped in my head with the thought, "Hm, what would Clare write?" and to be honest, I'm offended they didn't.

Though I will say, Italy pretty much ruined American pizza for me. Is that too dramatic? 

and suddenly, all falls into place.

Life is beautiful right now. I got a JOB! Not a job but a JOB. A first step in a career. I'm thrilled and so excited to start this next part of my life. But, I've been busy and LT&C has taken a hit for it.

There's no time for apologies.
I'm happy!

February 2014

It's been a weird month in Georgia. We've weathered apocalyptic ice storms yet last weekend, I was hiking a mountain in shorts and a tshirt. Il sole is a beautiful thing. But since this is Georgia, we'll have the heat soon enough. February has been a great month for reconnection. I've gotten back in touch and spent special time with friends and family friends that seemed to fall by the wayside. I haven't been writing. I haven't been in a place where I figured people would want to read what I had to write. Then again, who am I to make that choice? So a blitz of blogging is coming. I'll just be craftfully throwing it out there for you guys. Old travel stories I haven't yet shared, bizarre moments being a 22-year-old. You can't be anything but honest when fingers hit the keys.

[my favorite documented moments from february]

The Sundial Restaurant @ the Westin Peachtree Plaza // 72 Stories Up!

Snowy Day w/ a book & my kitty

Hiking Kennesaw Mountain 

eating my way through NYC

Walk, Eat, Drink, Sleep. Repeat. 

I feel like it goes without saying but New York City has the best food in the world. Any food in the world you could want, I would bet you can eat it in New York. When I was feeling touristy, I snapped some shots of the delicious meals I ate. It's nice to remember how yummy it was, considering the massive hit that my bank account took after the weekend. Yep. It was worth it.

Crispy Sushi at Mira Sushi. The rice was flash-fried and tasted different than any sushi I'd had before. Amazing. 

The Formaggi & Salumi Plate @ Eataly's La Piazza

List of the cheeses (formaggi) available @ Eataly. Think this made me miss Rome? 

Brunch at The Smith. I had poached eggs with potato pancakes and creamed spinach. It was... glorious. 

It was the greatest weekend. Those girls sitting at that brunch table make my heart happy. They're all living in New York and it's everything. Fun / exhausting / crazy / challenging / rewarding / frustrating... Everything. I was happy to catch a glimpse and get a taste. 

Lions + a GoPro

If you couldn't tell by the name of this page, I'm a big cat fan. So my jaw was pretty much open in envy for 15 minutes as I watched this video of a South African man who has developed an incredible relationship with lions. The video focuses on his concern with the habitat loss and shrinking numbers of the lion population. I think it's great that GoPro, a company with a huge advertising budget, chooses to promote their product while shedding light on important moral issues. Way to go, GoPro. 

Facing 2014

I can't seem to get a thought down. I love my blog. I love LT&C. I look back at my old posts, and sometimes it's as if a different person wrote them. Well, in a way they did. Clare as of December 30, 2013 is not the same Clare who traveled to Tanzania and started this blog. In college, I felt so safe. It was easy to write my thoughts down on the internet and not give a care as to the repercussions. That doesn't just apply to blogging. Everything felt safer. Then I graduated college. Now, I'm about to enter to 2014. Minus a few weddings, birthdays and due dates, there isn't much written in the calendar for the year ahead. Is that ok? Sure. Is it scary as hell? You betcha.

But you know what's worst than being scared? Refusing look your fears right in the eye and give them a big mean look back. I've spent this last part of 2013 feeling scared. Feeling hidden and looked past. Watching the world go by and feeling more like an observer than an active participant. It can't keep going on like this. The girl who started LT&C back in 2010 would be disappointed. So, 2014. I'm ready for ya. Excited. Curious. Nervous. If I'm scared, I definitely won't be showing it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVES. 

Camping is in-tents

"WHY?"

That's how most people responded when I told them my family had decided to spend a night camping in late November. I understand the confusion. It's very, very cold outside. Camping isn't necessarily a luxurious way to spend a night... but it sure was fun. 

The day after Thanksgiving, my Dad + sister + brother + their SO's + my niece + I drove to Amicalola Falls State Park, about thirty minutes from Jasper and Dawsonville. We bypassed the cabins and headed deep into the woods where we found a wonderfully preserved campsite, complete with a firepit, tree hooks and even a toilet lid balanced on 2x4's. No thanks. But luckily, I have some great family friends who lent us some camping supplies to go along with our meager belongings. Did I mention it was cold? I wore three pairs of pants/leggings, three tops + a jacket, UGG's, and a fluffy hat that I became incredibly grateful for.

looking west: view from the ridge

sister smiles: before the temperature dropped

Isabella's fire sticks: pine needles & leaves wrapped in newspaper. She's brilliant! 

dinner is served: beans & burgers on the "grill"

A lot of people try to escape their family, but luckily we enjoy our time together. We put the cellphones away (even though we had service...) and spent the time focusing on things we usually take for granted: the automatic flame on the grill, the knobs on the stove top, indoor lighting, comfy couches... But it was a special night. We drank hot chocolate, listened to music, told stories, and did our best to stay warm. For my 10-year-old niece, obsessed with Minecraft and One Direction, a night in the woods offers an peacefulness that she rarely experiences. Heck, it offered all of us some peacefulness.

The whistling of the wind through the valley all night? I could do without. But the stars? I hadn't seen them shine like that in quite a while. 

2013 Christmas Card

Merry Christmas from the Callahan family! 

Photos (starting top left, clockwise): 

• Natalie & Clare in Santorini;
• Joy, Whit, Clare, Natalie in Cabo San Lucas; 
• Joy & Whit at the Alabama/VT game; 
• Clare & Natalie @ UGA Graduation; 
• Darren, Isabella, Clare, Whit & Natalie camping @ Amicalola Falls; 
• Natalie, Clare, Joy & Mammaw @ UGA Graduation

A Year in Song

The end of the year signifies a time for celebration, reflection and luckily... the arrival of some great mashup videos. The recent trend of year long musical highlight reels (mashups have existed for decades) started back in 2008 when DJ Earworm released United State of Pop: Viva La Pop. Each year since, he's released a new United State of Pop, Blame it on the Pop, Don't Stop the Pop, World Go Boom, and Shine Brighter.

Here's my favorite. 2009 United State of Pop: Blame It on the Pop

Each video has a specific feeling, but they all celebrate love and happiness. That's kind of the point of music, after all. This year, DJ Earworm doesn't disappoint with 2013 United State of Pop: Living the Fantasy. He pulls the name from Lorde's "Royals". I believe it's the first year that a country group appeared in the video with Florida Georgia Line and Nelly (Taylor Swift doesn't entirely count). It's been a pretty cool year for music. Anyway, it's pretty intriguing to think about what the video could mean as a frozen moment of culture. DJ Earworm isn't trying to change the world with mashups, but he's showing us the world in a pretty cool way.

As if THAT wasn't enough, Pop Danthology came in and stepped up the game, combining 68 songs into a six-minute mashup. Some of the songs are the same as Earworm's 2013, it's inevitable, but still highly enjoyable. Decide amongst yourselves.

Thanks for the music and the memories, 2013. Let's just hope "What Does The Fox Say" stays behind... along with those Miley Cyrus cartoon bears. 

Panoramas

Did you know the iPhone specifically pulls all your panorama shots from you Camera Roll into a separate album? I just discovered it! I loved these moments and the perspective that panorama gives the camera. Here are my favorites from the last year... Enjoy! 

South Beach, Hilton Head Island

Inside the Zach Theatre, Austin 

Banks of Colorado River, Austin

University of Georgia Commencement at Sanford Stadium, Athens

Sailing the Aegean, Greece

Beach Club on Perivolos Beach, Santorini

Panorama gone bad... Sunset over Oia, Santorini

Pisso Livadi, Paros

Tomorrowworld, Chattahoochee Hills GA

Rooftop Terrace at the Glenn Hotel, Downtown Atlanta

Room in the Topkapi Palace, Istanbul

British Tour: York

Walking through The Shambles

I'll just start by saying: Lauren made an excellent choice by choosing The University of York for graduate school. I had an amazing time exploring York and learning its history. Lauren, being the incredible storyteller she is, was the perfect host. I arrived on Tuesday morning, still feeling jetlagged and met Lauren at the train station. It was so great to see her! 

The Yorkshire people are incredibly proud to be from York, and for good reason. There's a lot to be proud about. The place known today as York has been a home to different groups for several thousand years. During the Roman times, York was the seat of the Roman Empire in Britain. When the railway station opened, it was the largest in Europe at the time. Then, they have the Minster. The Yorkminster took 250 years to build, finished in the late 1400's. It's a massively beautiful building with immaculately detailed stained glass.

Even though Lauren had been in York about a month, she still knew so much and took me to some really cool places. Plus, having a guest gives you reason to go do the more touristy you may not normally do. So for that, you're welcome. The night I got in, the lead archaeologist on the King Richard III excavation gave a lecture at the University. Read the story here. It was just little moments like that, that made me shake my head and laugh. Life is pretty damn cool. One night, we went on a ghost tour through the city and heard tales of ghost soldiers walking though basements built on Roman roads, torturing in insane asylums, orphaned children in the Plague... you know, light stuff. While Lauren was in class, I went to the York Museum and explored.

King's College, the building where Lauren has classes

There was some great food in York. I had just started my 'gluten sensitive' diet the week before so I tried to stick to that as much as possible. Then Betty's Tea Room happened and whewwww those scones. Betty's Tea Room is an institution for baking, tea and all things British. While they serve food, the price tag (dollars to pounds makes me want to cry) suggested we opt for Afternoon Tea. We received a large kettle of tea, two scones each and plenty of jam and clotted cream.

Look at that presentation!

We also went to a cool gluten-free vegan restaurant called El Piano. Certainly not traditional British cuisine but awesome none the less. There was a warmth and quaintness to York that felt timeless. Even though I'd never been, it seemed familiar and that's pretty cool. I'm so glad that Lauren has plenty of time to explore Yorkshire and places in the UK. I wish I could have stayed longer! Especially now that the Christmas Markets are running. But alas, I got on another train bound for Kings Cross Station in London.

There was a chill in the air, but the blue skies made for beautiful days in York. 

British Tour: Manchester

Hello world, I'm back! In October, I had a once in a lifetime opportunity. When those things happen, you can't just watch them past. Clare the Nanny is no more, but no matter. On to the next. I'll let you know what the next is when I figure it out. Enough with the bad grammar. So, I had some time, flight benefits coming to an end and two best friends in England. What's a gal to do? I planned a 10 day trip in about 2 days and all the while, my sense of adventure and excitement came rushing back. I was ecstatic to see my friends and explore some new parts of the beautiful world. I couldn't have done it without knowing Lauren and Mallory were waiting for me on the other side of the pond. It helped that my mom was scheduled to work a flight to Manchester from Atlanta. 

Getting on the flight flying standby is always a relief. It's even more fun when Mom's a flight attendant, working in her element at 35,000 feet. We arrived to Manchester early Monday morning and took a nap at The Midland Hotel. It was a beautiful hotel, famous for hosting a meeting between a Mr. Rolls and a Mr. Royce that started a car company. I probably could have stayed up, but Mom was tired after working all night. When we got up at about 2PM, we walked around the cold and windy city. I visited my first Caffe Nero, grabbed a coffee and some tomato basil soup. I love Caffe Nero now. Please come to America. Then came the usual stops: Boots, Primark, Marks and Spencer. After a great Thai dinner along with her friend Cathy, we headed to the Palace Theater for a night I'll never forget.

Wicked is one of those cultural phenomenons you hear about. If you've seen it, you get it. If you haven't seen it, you may think you get it... but you don't. I've seen Rent, Mamma Mia, The Lion King on Broadway but there was something about the beauty of the Palace Theater and the sheer brilliance of Wicked. I don't mean to sound dramatic when I say it may have changed my life.

The next morning, I hoped on a train to York...
...more on that tomorrow!