28 June 2017

fear is not an option

As the first half of 2017 comes to a close,  (it's almost July, y'all!) I'm trying to take some time to reflect on this year. For those who know me, you know it's been tough. It started with my sweet boyfriend, R, having stomach problems which became a mass in his pancreas which became him being the youngest person to ever have a Whipple surgery* which became my boyfriend is the youngest person the Mayo Clinic knows with a pancreatic tumor.

*which resulted in 33 days in the hospital, multiple trips to the OR and several points when the doctors told us, "We just gotta pray.". Sometimes, faith goes further than medicine.

I'm not in the medical field. I'm not in the best shape or a health freak. But this year, 2017, has pushed and pulled me more than any year ever has.

We're now finishing month two of RG's chemotherapy treatments. Two weeks of pills and infusions, one week off. It's not easy. But he is strong and God is stronger and he has been there for us every step of the way. 

Through it all, we're having fun. We're loving every day together. We're enjoying life. We know how incredible life is. When he was in the hospital in February. RG promised to take me to see Beauty & the Beast in theaters. I'm a big fan. Several days after he left the hospital, we were at the theater, then went to my favorite Japanese restaurant and picked up some groceries at Kroger afterwards. It was one of the most special nights.

I'm facing the future with the mindset that the worst is behind us. Fear of the future is paralyzing and RG gives me nothing but hope. Fear is not an option. RG is finishing his MBA in August, and we have a lot of life that we're planning to live... in a big way.

I want to write. I want to be proud. I want to process my thoughts in a way that organizes them in my brain and makes them beautiful on paper. This is not a beautiful topic. It's messy, but I have to share because it's all love. Love is messy. Life is messy - but it's the best choice we have.